Forget everything you've heard about compromise being the cornerstone of a strong relationship. That's the bold message from Australian psychotherapist and author Andrew Sloan, who argues the common advice is not just wrong, but potentially toxic.
The Toxic By-Products of Compromise
In his new book, Why Things Feel F*cked, Sloan dismantles the popular belief that meeting in the middle is the gold standard for resolving differences. He illustrates his point with the story of Julie, a client from regional Australia who felt deeply alone in her busy family life. Her husband's work repairing farming equipment kept him travelling frequently.
Their solution was a classic compromise: if he continued to travel for work, she would take one solo trip a year. However, Sloan identified that Julie's core need was for intimacy and closeness, a need this arrangement completely failed to address.
"Compromise is a process of dividing and splitting up territory," Sloan explains. "It draws a line between where my needs will be met versus where your needs will be met and finds the middle ground." The result, he warns, is that only some needs get met, or worse, none are addressed at all. This process breeds two destructive emotions: resignation and resentment.
Collaboration: The Creative Alternative
So, if compromise is off the table, what's the alternative? Sloan's answer is emphatic: collaboration. Unlike the divisive nature of compromise, collaboration is a creative and dynamic process aimed at building something new that satisfies both partners.
"Collaboration intentionally creates a new playground for people to be innovative," Sloan writes. In this model, both sets of needs are centred as equally important. The by-products are connection and creativity, which foster deeper intimacy, trust, and empathy.
Sloan provides a clear comparison between the two approaches across several dimensions:
Focus and Power Dynamics
In compromise, the focus is on rigid outcomes and choices, often leading to an imbalance of power where one person wins. Conversations get stuck on the 'who, what, and when.'
In collaboration, the focus shifts to understanding: "Why is this important to you?" This exploration of core needs leads to shared power and respect for each other's autonomy.
Emotions and Future Impact
The emotional tone of compromise is often raw anger and defensiveness, resulting in a solution nobody truly likes. It makes room for resentment and feeling stuck, limiting future possibilities.
Collaboration, in contrast, is built on calm, connectedness, and curiosity. It deepens trust, sets up conditions for continual growth, and opens doors to future pathways neither partner may have seen initially.
Putting Collaboration into Practice
Returning to Julie's case, Sloan encouraged her to think collaboratively. Instead of accepting the lonely compromise, they brainstormed creative ideas with her husband. Could she rest alone at the start of a family holiday? Could they book a monthly getaway together? Could her husband delegate some travel to his team?
This shift from slicing up needs to creatively integrating them is the heart of Sloan's argument. He posits that such collaborative approaches are vital to counteract modern systems of disconnection. "Connection propagates connection," he states, arguing it unlocks our neurological capacity to build life-sustaining relationships.
Why Things Feel F*cked by Andrew Sloan was published on December 5, 2025 by Hardie Grant Books and is priced at $35.99. Sloan is a registered clinical member of the Psychotherapy and Counselling Federation of Australia.
