Former Pastor Breaks Silence on Dementia Journey: A Story of Love and Resilience
Graham Fairbairn, a Gerringong resident and former pastor, has stepped forward to share his deeply personal experience with dementia, a condition he describes as not merely a disease but a profound life-altering journey. With over 90,000 Australians diagnosed with dementia each year, his story sheds light on the widespread impact of this condition on families and communities across the nation.
A Personal Connection to Dementia
Mr Fairbairn's awareness of dementia began long before his wife Robyn's diagnosis. As a pastor and through caring for his mother-in-law Dulcie, who lived with Alzheimer's Disease for about a decade before passing away in 2015, he witnessed firsthand the devastating effects of the condition. Dulcie, widowed in 2004, initially lived independently in Glebe but showed clear memory issues during a family cruise in 2005. She was eventually diagnosed through the Mind and Brain Institute at the University of Sydney and moved in with the Fairbairns before requiring residential care.
"That experience, however, did not prepare him for how differently dementia would present in his wife," Mr Fairbairn reflects, highlighting the unpredictable nature of the disease.
Early Signs and Gradual Changes
Robyn Fairbairn, a school counsellor for most of her career, moved with Graham from Moss Vale to Culburra Beach in 2004. In hindsight, Mr Fairbairn recalls early signs of cognitive impairment, such as a pen set engraved with 'World's most forgetful psychologist' given to her by a counsellor's support group. By 2010, she needed help remembering details during medical appointments, and after relocating to their retirement home in Gerringong in late 2011, Mr Fairbairn gradually took on more household responsibilities.
"It didn't all happen at once," he explains. "The changes were gradual. You just find yourself doing more and more."
Diagnosis and the Path Forward
Robyn was formally diagnosed with dementia in 2013, later confirmed as Alzheimer's Disease through scans. The period following the diagnosis was marked by uncertainty, prompting Mr Fairbairn to educate himself by reading extensively, attending programs run by Dementia Australia, and listening to other carers' stories. "You quickly realise that everyone's experience is different," he notes, emphasising the unique challenges each individual faces.
For several years, the couple continued enjoying activities they loved, but as the disease progressed, public transport and travel became difficult due to Robyn's increasing restlessness. Home became her safest haven, a common reality for many living with dementia.
Finding Support in Community Networks
A turning point came when Mr Fairbairn became involved with the Dementia Friendly Kiama project and the local Dementia Alliance. "That was really when we started to come out about Robyn's dementia," he says. "Caring can be very isolating, but being part of that network made a huge difference." Through these groups, he discovered essential services like home care packages and aged care assessments, which were upgraded in 2015 to provide more substantial in-home support, respite care, and transport assistance.
Despite this support, daily life as a carer presented practical challenges, such as poor signage in public toilets leading to stressful situations. "Those little things can turn a calm day into a stressful one very quickly," Mr Fairbairn observes, underscoring the need for dementia-friendly environments.
Adapting and Accepting Life's Unpredictability
Over time, the couple learned to adjust expectations and accept limitations. "There's no value in getting frustrated," Mr Fairbairn advises. "You won't win." Safety concerns arose after Robyn wandered off in a crowded shopping centre, leading to her wearing a Safely Home bracelet and constant supervision. Mr Fairbairn focused on keeping her at home for as long as possible, embodying a philosophy of learning, adapting, and taking life one day at a time.
Legacy of Awareness and Support
Robyn Fairbairn passed away in March 2024 after living with dementia for over a decade. Two years on, Mr Fairbairn's mission has evolved into sharing her memory and raising awareness for those affected by dementia and Alzheimer's. He now works with the Dementia Friendly Kiama project and Gerringong Dementia Alliance, running support groups and carer training courses.
"Without that support, I don't think I'd last very long," he admits. "Dementia - and life - is unpredictable. You learn to make the most of each day and each opportunity." His message to other carers is clear: be open and honest, utilise available resources, and connect with community groups. "Life is about relationships - make the most of them," he concludes, offering a beacon of hope and resilience in the face of adversity.
