Australia's reputation for deadly creatures has gained a new dimension after a woman plunged two metres through a collapsed outback toilet floor into human waste. Meanwhile, a butcher in New South Wales has found success with a 24/7 vending machine selling quality red meat.
The outback dunny terror
European tourists and even New Zealanders often express terror at the number, ferocity, and toxicity of things that can kill you in Australia. It is one of life's simple pleasures to play with their minds, especially when we see their mood swing from happy to terrified in seconds.
After warming them up with stories about bomba cats, drop bears, and Ivan Milat, we go full David Attenborough with instructions to look under the toilet seat for redback spiders, or watch for funnel-webs in cupboards. We warn them about coastal centipedes in clothes, and bullrouts, stone fish, sharks, and crocodiles in the water. The box jellyfish ranks about 15 on a pain scale of 1 to 10, making fire ant stings feel like mosquito bites. The Irukandji is so tiny you won't see it, but 30 minutes after its nip, you'll feel like you've been run over by an Abrams tank repeatedly.
Now, we have a new terror: the deep-drop outback dunny. Last month, a Canberra woman found herself in deep trouble when she walked into a pit toilet 145km south of Alice Springs. The rusty metal floor collapsed, dropping her two metres into the pit. Unable to call for help due to poor network, her husband had to drive one hour north for assistance. A tradesman who stopped for a nature call heard her cries and used a tow rope tied to his vehicle to pull her out after three hours standing waist-deep in human waste, nappies, and other unmentionables.
Life-changing experience
Now, when friends from overseas use a long drop toilet, we can warn them about snakes, redbacks, and collapsing floors. They will walk on tippy-toes like ballet dancers.
A runaway success: butcher's vending machine
You can buy just about anything bad for you from a vending machine, but a butcher in Crescent Head, NSW, offers something amazing: quality red meat. Owner Aimee Nixon, a former teacher, installed a 24/7 vending machine on the footpath before Christmas, and it has been a runaway success.
"It's done the busy Christmas period and Easter," she said. The machine allows customers to buy meat outside business hours and takes pressure off staff to open on weekends. "Anyone wanting meat for a barbecue on a Saturday night or Sunday can come down, press the numbers, swipe their card, and the meat comes down."
Tourists and locals alike enjoy selecting quality cuts from the machine, which even turns over business during shop hours. Aimee's family runs their own Angus and Santa-Gertrudis-Angus herd on local properties, with some Hereford in the mix. All meat goes through the shop.
Beef bacon and tallow
Aimee makes her own jerky and tallow. Tallow, made from beef fat, and lard from pork fat, are experiencing a resurgence in home cooking. Our forefathers cooked in these animal fats and lived long lives, but in the 1960s or 1970s, we were told they would kill us. We switched to margarine, then canola and macadamia oil, and now cold-pressed virgin olive oil. But many now believe tallow or lard makes for better cooking.
Aimee renders tallow and sells it as a nutrient-rich cooking fat. She also turns it into a skin moisturiser by adding avocado oil, lavender, and honey. "There are no chemical additives in my tallow," she said. Additionally, she makes beef bacon from brisket, which is pickled and smoked, tasting much like regular bacon.
Are there any butchers in the north with beef vending machines? So far, none reported.
A joke for the times
Last week I filled both tanks on my 4WD for $350 and drove off without paying. This week in court, I was fined $75, no conviction recorded. Stay tuned for more money-saving tips.
