Joel Hockey, a 48-year-old Brisbane father of four, has revealed an unexpected discovery he made weeks after his wife Natalie died from bowel cancer at age 49 in June last year. Feeling lost and desperate for a connection to her, Hockey began reading the books still sitting on Natalie's nightstand. What he found led him down a path he never anticipated.
Diagnosis and Loss
Natalie's cancer journey began three-and-a-half years before her death when a blood test revealed she had bowel cancer that had already spread to her liver. She had experienced intermittent liver issues since their children were born. Initially, she responded well to treatment and lived longer than doctors expected. However, after multiple stints in and out of palliative care, she eventually passed away. Hockey described the experience: “One day, you come back home but you come back home without a person.”
Coping with Grief
After Natalie's death, Hockey was occupied with practical arrangements like the funeral. But once those distractions faded, the full weight of his loss set in. “I didn’t have a lot to do at first for a long time. You take some time off work and you’re just sort of in a daze,” he said. Months later, he struggled to find value in his own life, even attempting to sign up for a bull-riding competition at the Pine Rivers Show despite having no experience. “I didn’t value my own life so much. When you’ve lost someone, everything just seems meaningless,” he explained. He missed the sign-up but spoke to a woman who asked if he was hoping his wife would come back to stop him.
The Books on the Nightstand
At home, Hockey couldn't bring himself to remove Natalie's belongings, wanting to feel close to her. He noticed the books on her bedside table and began reading them. “You miss someone so much and you’re looking for some connection to them. When I was reading these books, I don’t know what I was hoping for but you just sort of hope for some connection,” he said. Among the books was A Doctor In Africa by Australian obstetrician Andrew Browning, which details his work with women suffering treatable childbirth injuries that often lead to incontinence, isolation, or rejection from society.
Finding Purpose
Reading about these women, Hockey realized many shared his wife's dreams of having children and a family. “I just knew how much Nat loved being a mum and so it resonated with me, I thought this is something that helped me feel a strong connection to her and something she would love,” he said. He invited Browning to speak to his colleagues at Google about his work with the Barbara May Foundation, which aims to reduce pregnancy and childbirth deaths. Many colleagues donated on the spot. Since then, Hockey has helped coordinate a Google employee giving and charity matching program, contributing tens of thousands of dollars to the charity. He plans to promote the charity annually and share his story. “Everyone wants to do something for the people they’ve lost and love and so for me I was very pleased to see that I can help support and make an improvement for other people and feel some additional benefit for my current experience of grief,” he said. Reflecting on grief, he added: “I have come to think that grief is just something you carry forever. Over time maybe the load gets a bit less, and your muscles for holding it get stronger. But grief is what is left over of the love that you have. And the love doesn’t ever go away so the bad news is that I think neither does the grief.”
