Sydney Woman Discovers Separate Beds Transform Sleep and Marriage
For many couples, sharing a bed can become a nightly battle against disruptive sleep habits. Snoring, tossing and turning, and late-night bathroom trips can significantly impact a partner's rest, leaving them exhausted and frustrated.
Monique van Tulder, a 58-year-old Sydney resident, experienced this firsthand with her husband's restless sleeping patterns. After 25 years of marriage, she made a radical decision that ultimately preserved both her sleep quality and her relationship.
The Breaking Point of Sleep Deprivation
"My husband has always been a horrendous sleeper. I was a great sleeper, he was horrendous," van Tulder explained. "When we got married 25 years ago, of course the normal thing done is to sleep in the same bed."
The mother of two adult children said everything changed when they started their family. "If the child's not waking you up, it's your husband ... And I thought, 'How many more years do I have to walk through life like this?'"
The Revelation of Separate Sleeping
The turning point came over a decade ago during her husband's annual golf trip. With the bed to herself, van Tulder experienced what she described as "the best night's sleep" of her married life.
Before her husband returned, she took decisive action. She organized a removalist to take away their expensive king-sized bed and ordered two king single beds to be delivered. "My husband came home to a big surprise," she recalled.
After the initial shock wore off, her husband adapted to the new arrangement, though he expressed concern about wasting the previous bed. Van Tulder noted that separate sleeping arrangements didn't feel strange to her, recalling her European grandparents having separate twin beds.
Research Supports the Experience
Research from ResMed, a global sleep technology company, reveals that 56 percent of married women report their partner disrupts their sleep. The main culprits include snoring, late-night bathroom trips, and different sleep schedules.
Alison Wimms, Director of Medical Affairs at ResMed, explained that sleep disruptions in couples are common but women often feel the impact more severely. "ResMed has found almost half of Australian women wake up feeling well-rested only three nights or fewer a week," Wimms stated.
"What's more, women are more likely than men to struggle with brain fog, irritability and anxiety due to poor rest. This could be down to several factors including hormonal changes, higher stress loads, or more caregiving responsibilities."
Challenging Relationship Misconceptions
Van Tulder, a wellbeing expert and best-selling author, strongly believes sleeping separately saved both her sleep and her relationship. She challenges the common misconception that separate beds signal marital trouble.
"It's quite the contrary," van Tulder said, noting that friends automatically assumed there must be an issue. "If you're looking at somebody through sleep-deprived eyes, they look like s***, even if they're a fantastic person. But when you've had a decent night's sleep, you have energy for your partner."
Intimacy and Connection Considerations
The same principle applies to intimacy, according to van Tulder. "If you've had sleep, everybody looks better. You know, you feel better about yourself. And, you know, your partner looks better," she explained.
"If you're exhausted, you only go through the motions anyway, either to make babies or feel like you should. That doesn't say a lot about a strong, healthy relationship, in my opinion."
When asked about maintaining intimacy, van Tulder responded, "That's what holidays are for, isn't it?" Even on vacations, they toss a coin to decide who sleeps on the queen bed and who takes the rollaway.
Expert Advice for Couples
Research indicates that sleep deprivation can leave couples with less energy for intimacy or quality time, potentially leading to gradual disconnection.
"For some, sleeping apart, whether regularly or on occasion, can actually improve mood, reduce conflict and help them show up better in the relationship," Wimms advised.
"Many couples worry that sleeping separately means their relationship is in trouble, but that's not necessarily the case. The key is to protect both sleep and connection."
Wimms suggests couples can maintain intimacy by setting aside time to wind down together before bed, keeping consistent sleep routines, and being open about what helps each person get a good night's rest.
Van Tulder's experience demonstrates that unconventional sleep arrangements can strengthen rather than weaken relationships when approached with communication and mutual understanding.
