Navigating Dating Dangers in the Digital Era
In an era where intimate partner violence has become alarmingly prevalent, women in their early 20s are increasingly cautious as they tentatively embrace the modern age of dating. It is no secret that online dating has become the norm, with huge marketing of apps such as Tinder and Hinge. For many in this generation, online dating began even before access to mainstream apps, starting as early as high school with platforms like Snapchat.
The Early Days of Digital Connections
Most people I know jumped into features like Snapchat's "quick add," which displays friend recommendations based on mutual connections. However, this often led to indiscriminate connections, resulting in random friend requests from unknown individuals. As such, many received inappropriate texts from strangers, and there was often an unspoken pressure to respond to boys in a certain way. It sometimes felt like expectations to flirt or send sexual messages back, even when uncomfortable. Confidently, I can say quite a few girls I knew received unwarranted explicit images at some point.
Snapchat also hosts a lot of adult content, despite being marketed to teens and pre-teens. This made the progression to Tinder seem natural, but my brief experience lasted just a week. I was inundated with intense messages and quickly learned these apps are more geared towards hook-ups than finding genuine partners. Online dating does not make it easier for girls in their 20s to find authentic connections, leaving many wondering where all the good guys are. Clubs, like Brisbane's The Valley, often do not offer better prospects, being dingy and not producing ideal applicants for future partners.
Insights from Investigative Journalism
Recently, I started working with 7NEWS alongside the investigative journalism team, led by National Investigations Editor Alison Sandy, on the Kiss & Kill podcast. This experience has confronted me with hard truths about dating, and I believe it is fair that all girls get to hear them too. In episode two, we caught up with Professor Jane Monckton-Smith, a leading expert on intimate partner homicide, who shares harsh realities to help keep us safer in online dating or social scenes.
Key Red Flags to Watch For
The Jealousy Rule: Society often sells the idea that a jealous boyfriend is a sign of love, reinforced by pop culture from rom-coms to streaming hits. However, jealousy is a sign of an insecure, controlling partner. Look out for constant questioning about texts, anger over time with friends, or attempts to control clothing and behavior—these are massive red flags.
Love Bombing: This term has become a buzzword, but when accurately identified, it signals coercive control. It involves overwhelming intensity, rapid declarations of love, pressure to move in early, and emotional escalation that outpaces genuine connection. Paired with subtle control framed as care, such as requests to isolate you, it should be treated as an immediate warning sign. Healthy romance allows autonomy and safe spaces without forced changes.
Traditional Gender Roles: In modern dating, be wary of men who enforce narrow definitions of masculinity, often influenced by online content like the manosphere and red-pill communities. Studies show younger men are more likely to hold stereotypical views, which can translate into control and entitlement. Attempts to reshape your behavior or impose gender-based rules are key early indicators of potential danger.
Violence: Any history of violence is a huge red flag, whether it involves fights, temper stories about exes, or anything that makes you feel unsafe. Excuses like "You made me do it" avoid accountability and indicate likelihood of repeat harm. Your safety and peace of mind are non-negotiables.
Trusting Your Intuition
That little nagging voice telling you something is off is your intuition, often picking up on subtle cues. In dating, especially online, if someone makes you uncomfortable from the start—like risky texts from a recent match—consider skipping the date. Ultimately, you deserve healthy, respectful, and empowering love, no matter where you meet them. Choose yourself and your well-being.
I hope this article gives girls the power and agency to spot dangerous men early, share stories, and stand together. The right swipe is out there; do not settle for less. For help, contact DV Connect at 1800 737 732 or Lifeline at 13 11 14. Support organizations like The Red Heart Campaign, Australian Femicide Watch, The Allison Baden-Clay Foundation, Beyond DV, The Red Rose Foundation, White Ribbon Australia, and Friends with Dignity. Kiss & Kill is available on 7PLUS and LiSTNR, with Alison Sandy as executive producer.
