Composer Sally Beamish reflects on her life and career as she approaches her 70th birthday, revealing how an autism diagnosis helped her understand a lifelong pattern of attaching regrets to joyful memories.
A Destructive Mindset
In 2023, after a successful two-week festival in Australia where she performed on viola, Beamish felt euphoric. But soon, she sank into despair upon realizing she had not arranged for recordings of the concerts. 'The more wonderful the event, the more likely I am to find regrets to attach to it,' she says. This pattern of thinking, which she calls destructive, plagued her for years without explanation.
Pandemic Turning Point
The pandemic gave Beamish time to ruminate, leading to sleepless nights filled with obsessions over past mistakes. One recurring regret was missing a poster in 2005 for local auditions of The Sound of Music. Her daughter, then nine, missed the chance to audition. Beamish's remedy was to write a musical featuring enough children to guarantee her daughter a role. The show, Shenachie, was staged the following year and even reached televised finals. Yet, the regret lingered for 15 years.
Seeking Help and Discovery
During cognitive behavioral therapy, Beamish was suggested to be on the autistic spectrum. Initially astonished, she recognized traits such as discomfort with eye contact, face blindness, getting lost, misunderstanding others, social overwhelm, and extreme sensitivity to noise. She now believes her violinist mother would have received the same diagnosis.
Music as a Special Interest
Beamish wonders if many musicians are on the spectrum, given the dedication required to practice for hours daily. Music has been her 'autistic special interest,' helping her navigate emotions and right wrongs. After a miscarriage in 1994, she wrote Gala Water for her then-husband, finding comfort in birthing the music.
Reframing Negatives
Her excessive anxiety drives her to reframe negative events. The theft of her beloved viola in 1989 prompted her to stop playing and focus on composing, leading to a move from London to Scotland. This proved hugely positive, allowing her to build a composing career. After a 20-year gap, she started playing again, and her daughter, who became a luthier, made her a new viola.
New Album and Celebrations
The failure to record in Australia led to an album, House of Wonder, recorded with pianist Joseph Havlat and featuring pieces by her children and friends. The album reflects her life and friendships. Her 70th birthday concert at St Martin-in-the-Fields includes works like Seavaigers and the UK premiere of Izakhi for basset clarinet.
Diagnosis as a Blessing
Beamish says her formal autism diagnosis has been a blessing, helping her understand her obsessive anxiety. 'I can forgive my mother. I can be easier on myself,' she says. Only after planning the album did she discover a recording of the Australian concerts had been made after all.
Sally Beamish's 70th birthday concert with Michael Collins is at St Martin-in-the-Fields, London on 11 June. Her album House of Wonder is released on 12 June on Delphian Records.
