A few years ago my husband and I opted for a tree change post-retirement. We like to offer friends who still live in Perth the chance to stay at our property when we are travelling and that has always worked out well; we get house-sitters, they get a rural break. Most recently we asked former colleagues of my husband if they wanted to stay and they said yes, but we were appalled at the way they left the house. We are not an Airbnb, we don’t ask for money or have a cleaner come in afterwards, this is our home and we expect a certain standard to be maintained. I don’t mind guests leaving washing for me to do but this family left sodden towels on the bathroom floor (which had begun to smell), dishes in the sink, muddy footprints throughout the house and dirty bedsheets balled up on the beds. Am I expecting too much to think that this is rude and an unacceptable way for them to leave? Before they came I put fresh sheets on all the beds and fresh towels in both bathrooms, and made sure everything was clean and tidy, whereas they didn’t even bother to clean the skidmarks from the toilet bowl. They reached out after their stay to say they would be happy to house-sit again but I haven’t replied. What should I do?
Yours, Disgruntled
Aunty’s Response
Skidmarks. There’s a word One doesn’t hear much these days. It’s such a fun word to say though, isn’t it? Which of course belies the decidedly unpleasant nature of what it actually refers to. And speaking of unpleasant, these house guests of yours sound like they would make good fodder for a Hollywood film starring Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler about house-sitters from hell.
Funnily enough your Aunt recently received an invitation to stay down south at the home of a friend who was out of town for work. One invited old Bert Saunders from next door along to be One’s wingperson, although of course he was about as much use as a chocolate teapot when there was a loud clunk in the roof late one night. It was your Aunt who had to peer into the ceiling cavity and Bert who insisted on holding the ladder. Who says chivalry is dead? Turns out it was just a little possum.
One is happy to report your Aunt is the kind of house guest who leaves the house spotless, bedding washed, towels washed and folded, kitchen sparkling. In fact there was only one little incident that arose during One’s time at the house that could be slightly problematic, but really more for your Aunt than the home owners themselves. You see it was that time of the, ahem, afternoon when One fancied a gin and tonic. And of course Bert is always up for a tipple, especially when he hasn’t had to fork out for the bottle, so One was pouring the drinks when One realised there was no ice. And the tonic wasn’t even cold. You can’t have warm GnTs can you, Disgruntled? So One had a fossick around in the freezer and found what One assumed were circular whiskey stones.
It wasn’t until One was halfway through the gin and tonic, which was decidedly unchilled despite the presence of the supposed ice-cube replacer, when One remembered reading a story about crystal spheres being sold by the likes of Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop website to treat incontinence. Needless to say the wall of the outdoor balcony was promptly sprayed with a fresh coat of Gordon’s gin and the rest poured down the sink. To this day One still doesn’t know the true nature of those crystal spheres and, in some ways, it is probably best not to know.
But anyway, back to you, Disgruntled. You are right to be annoyed — your house guests were atrocious and under no circumstances should you ever have them back. One would respond to their offer to house-sit again by completely ignoring it. The same way they ignored the skiddies in your toilet.
