America's 250th birthday celebrations are a mess. According to writer Dave Schilling, millions of dollars have been poured into marking the occasion on the Fourth of July, yet few events hold appeal. 'Like every birthday, a lot of money has poured into a day where no one has any fun,' Schilling writes in The Guardian. He suggests alternative gifts for the nation, including eliminating the electoral college, making Puerto Rico a state, and forcing HBO to produce a ninth season of Game of Thrones.
Birthday Blues at 250
Schilling compares the national birthday to his own upcoming 42nd birthday, lamenting the lack of meaningful celebration. 'I don't relish being 42, but imagine if I were 250?' he asks. He criticizes official events like a UFC event, a poorly attended state fair with a malfunctioning ferris wheel, and a pool full of green slop. 'A $50 Roblox gift card from Target and a hug would be a better gift than any of those,' he quips.
Gift One: Ditch the Electoral College
Schilling's first proposed gift is eliminating the electoral college. He argues the system is a 'real pain,' not just because it gave Donald Trump the presidency despite losing the popular vote in 2016. 'The real problem with the electoral college is I have to do math every four years,' he says, suggesting picking the president through a marathon session of Dungeons & Dragons with Chief Justice John Roberts as dungeon master would be more entertaining than the 2000 election.
Gift Two: Puerto Rico Statehood
His second gift is making Puerto Rico a state. The US controls 14 territories, five inhabited. Schilling notes Puerto Rico is mostly self-governing with a unique culture and predominantly Spanish-speaking, but adds, 'so is Texas.' He suggests throwing Guam in as well, saying 'we're due for a new flag anyway. Plenty of room for more stars up there.'
Gift Three: A New Game of Thrones Season
The most important gift, according to Schilling, is forcing HBO to produce a season nine of Game of Thrones. 'So many Americans simply weren't satisfied with how the show ended. Time to fix this and truly bring the country together,' he writes. He proposes using AI to generate 10 episodes to cut costs, despite potential terrible renders, extra fingers, soulless eyes, cliche fan service, and the end of human creativity. 'If we're trying to be patriotic and give back to our beautiful nation, the best thing we can do is finally make something with the billions of dollars that have been invested into artificial intelligence,' he adds.
A Personal Celebration
Schilling concludes by describing his own plan for the weekend: getting a 30-pack of beer, locking his door, binging Theo Von podcasts, and dumping his life savings into a Kalshi bet that Donald Trump dances to YMCA at the end of his speech. 'With any luck, by the conclusion of my drinking-and-gambling binge, all my problems will magically go away. Hiding, irrational optimism, and terrible financial decisions. That's America,' he writes.
