After years of relying on texts, voice notes, and social media, Samantha Allemann decided to scroll through her contacts and start dialing. The first thing her friend Paul said after four dial tones was, 'Is everything OK?' Everything was fine; she just wanted to chat. But that startled response is all too familiar in an age where social phone calls have become rare.
The decline of the social call
Many of us no longer make social phone calls, even those who grew up obsessed with the home phone, spending hours with a warm ear nestled into the receiver. Allemann notes that after years of hearing the same surprised reaction whenever she rang someone, she got the message: texts were preferred. Texts, DMs, Instagram reels, WhatsApp groups, and voice notes became the tools of choice in her friendships.
The more communication channels available, the more particular people become about how they prefer to be contacted. Friend A prefers texts to voice notes, Friend B loves voice notes but won’t answer a phone call, Friend C communicates entirely in reels, Friend D enjoys a phone chat but rarely responds to texts, and Friend E and Allemann communicate mainly through email, even though he lives only 30 minutes away.
Craving immediacy
While Allemann cherishes voice notes from friends and listens to them like podcasts, she recently craved the immediacy of a phone call – the back-and-forth in real time, the spontaneity, the unfiltered rawness. In a world determined to isolate us, friendship may be the best way to keep each other alive, as Rebecca Shaw wrote in a related article.
During an interview with Kirk Docker, the documentary maker behind You Can’t Ask That, their conversation turned to the phone. 'Why don’t we call people any more?' he wondered. Allemann couldn’t remember the last time a friend had rung simply to chat, or the last time she had done that herself.
Dialing through the alphabet
So she started dialing, beginning with A. The first person she called was her friend Adrian, whom she has known for about a decade but rarely chats with. There was a slight questioning lilt in his voice, but within minutes they were chatting as though no time had passed. As she called more friends, she noticed an age divide. Her Gen X friends and relatives either answered or called straight back, unfazed by the unexpected ring. About half of her fellow millennials picked up, but always with a note of curiosity or concern.
Kate was also slightly alarmed to get her call, as they usually text. Once they established everything was fine, they settled into a chat about parenting, their own parents, and roast chicken. Kate recounted how her dad once sent a text reading 'please call me IMMEDIATELY,' and panicked, she did. 'I’m in the supermarket and need to know what type of roast chicken you want for dinner,' he said.
Revelations through conversation
As Allemann called her friends, she heard about new jobs, weekend plans, gigs, exhibitions, and baby sleep schedules. Some calls were harder to make. One friend was having family issues – she had hinted via messages, but Allemann didn’t grasp the severity until she heard her sobbing over the phone. 'I feel like I’m not being very helpful,' Allemann apologised. 'You’re being a friend,' her friend replied.
She called another friend who she knew was having a hard time, but it was only during the chat that he laid it all out – a work incident that sent him spiralling, time spent in a psychiatric ward. 'I’m so sorry, I had no idea,' she told him, reminding him he could call if he needed to or just wanted a chat.
What texts and voice notes hide
So much can remain hidden when friendships are maintained through reels, typed messages, or curated voice notes. It’s hard to know if someone is struggling when you can’t hear their voice. Even with voice notes, there’s the ability to hit record, pause, start over, and edit the messiness out – the crack in your voice, the rehearsed enthusiasm, the weariness. There’s a sense of performance that is harder to emulate on a longer phone call, especially a spontaneous one that can catch you off-guard.
The next time Allemann’s phone rings unexpectedly, perhaps she too will assume something is wrong. But maybe everything is also fine – maybe someone just wants to talk.
