Former NRL enforcer Kane Evans has publicly come out as gay, revealing a two-decade struggle with his sexuality that nearly cost him his life. The 34-year-old, who played 154 professional rugby league matches for the Sydney Roosters, Parramatta Eels, New Zealand Warriors, and Hull FC in the UK, said he needed to confront his "worst nightmare" to save himself.
A Heavy Burden
"I had three goals in life," Evans told Nine on Monday night. "And it was to play NRL; to buy my parents a house; and then I wanted to top myself, because I was living in denial from a young age."
"I know that I'm gay. But I went down every other avenue to sort of build up these walls. To be someone, to escape who I am."
"I still can't believe that I'm here talking to you. This is definitely my worst nightmare. But I know if I surrender, it's just going to be a start to a new life."
"I've been fighting a war within since I was about 15 years old and it's not sustainable. I was sleeping in parks, doing drugs, trying to ultimately pass away so I didn't have to come to this."
"But I know that there's people who are struggling with the same struggle that I've gone through. So I'm very blessed that I can come here and talk to you, and be able to save a life or two."
A Decorated Career
The 200-centimetre giant enjoyed a decorated rugby league career, including 13 appearances for Fiji. However, his life slowly spiralled as he tried to deny his sexuality. Evans had been couch surfing and sleeping in parks before finding help from Rugby League Players' Association manager Joe Galuvao.
"Joe said, 'You deserve to live a good life and you deserve healing'," Evans recalled. "I sat there and thought about what a good life or healing was. When he said that, that's when I started questioning — 'Maybe death isn't in the plan for me yet. Maybe I do deserve to go and get help'."
"I thank God that he came and visited me and got me into rehab with the help of the RLPA."
Support from the Rugby League Community
Evans revealed that Roosters coach Trent Robinson was the first to extend support. "Somehow 'Robbo' got my number," he said. "He called me just to let me know that the Roosters are still my home and they've got my back, whatever I'm facing."
"That meant the world to me. He took me, my best friend, and one of my mentors to Roosters HQ a week after I got out of rehab. He gave them the full tour and took us into his office and virtually told me that the Roosters are paying for my mental health."
"Robbo, out of his own money, paid four weeks of my rent as I had just gotten into a place that week."
A Trailblazer
Evans becomes the second NRL player in history to come out as gay, following legendary trailblazer Ian Roberts, who did so more than 30 years ago. Evans, who retired from professional rugby league just three years ago, says he carried the burden of hiding his true self for "my whole life".
"I'm here today to show people that you don't have to live like that," he said. "Even now I feel a bit more free, just by saying it out loud, I've brought it to the light."
"I've had people blackmail me. I've had people try to throw me under the bus, I've had people try to deflect their problems by trying to out me. And it just built up a lot of shame, and fear and guilt within myself."
"Now I've spoken about it, I've shattered all those chains. They've lost their power. I feel like coming and speaking to you today, fear, shame, guilt – all of that, I've cut ties with all that."
"I feel peace within, and I feel like a weight has lifted off my shoulders. I'm a bit proud of myself and when I look in the mirror, I'm going to smile now, not have those bad thoughts."
If you need help in a crisis, call Lifeline on 131114. For further information about depression contact beyondblue on 1300224636 or talk to your GP, local health professional or someone you trust.
