Illustration: Igor Bastidas
Should my husband stop letting our children climb over our neighbour's fence to retrieve their ball? Penelope fears this teaches kids that trespassing is acceptable, while Spencer sees no issue with the quick hop. No fence-sitting here—you decide who is in the wrong.
The prosecution: Penelope
It does not matter that it only takes five seconds. It is a blatant disregard for property rights. My husband, Spencer, and I have two children, Georgia, 12, and Alex, nine. We are usually aligned on parenting, but I recently discovered Spencer is more relaxed about garden activities.
During half-term, Spencer was home while I worked. When I returned and asked how their day was, they said the ball went over the fence into the neighbour's garden. I assumed the neighbours were out and the ball was still there, but they said, "Dad let us hop over the fence to get it." I was shocked.
When I spoke to Spencer, he shrugged and said it was fine. The neighbours are a middle-aged couple with no kids. He said retrieving the ball took only five seconds, and the kids hopped back over. I asked how many times this had happened, and they said four or five.
This is a flagrant disregard for boundaries and property rights. If we allow our kids to hop over fences into spaces that are not theirs, we encourage public and private disobedience. It also reflects poorly on us if the neighbours happen to be home one day. So far, they have been at work.
I told Alex and Georgia to be more careful with their football and tennis balls. We have a large garden, so there is no need for balls to go over the fence. This is really Spencer's fault; he should be the disciplinarian.
We have a good relationship with our neighbours, but we have not asked permission to retrieve these balls. If they suddenly see my kids in their garden, they would have every right to confront us.
I am annoyed at Spencer for encouraging this. I am the stricter parent, but I thought we had similar styles overall. He thinks my annoyance is funny, but it is the thought that Alex and Georgia have done this many times without my knowledge. Spencer needs to see he is wrong and be stricter when I am not around.
The defence: Spencer
No harm was done to their garden. It is just a lawn with a few shrubs. I do not see the problem. The way Penelope goes on, you would think I let the kids roam naked and screaming. They hopped over to get their ball—it happened a few times. It was either let them retrieve it or listen to them complain because the neighbours were not home to pass it over.
I manage my business from home, so during half-term I had to juggle work and childcare. I am happy to do it, but some peace and quiet helps a productive workday.
The first time Alex's football went over, he asked if he could hop over. I said, "Be quick." He was quick, and Georgia helped him back. From then on, they retrieved the ball whenever it flew over.
Alex told his mum they went over a few times. No harm was done to the neighbour's garden—it is a flat lawn with shrubs. I do not see the problem. I have seen him do it; it is very quick, and usually only Alex goes in. It is not like both kids are trespassing, as Penelope calls it.
Perhaps I am used to this because I grew up with siblings on a busy road in London. Penelope grew up in the countryside with no neighbours. I think they take trespassing and boundaries more seriously there. Penelope said, "What if Alex damaged the garden and we had to pay?" She worries about going to war with our neighbours, but she is being dramatic. There is no way for Alex to damage anything. We also share responsibility for the fence.
Penelope worries about how it looks if the neighbours come home and see our children in the garden. But I would explain they needed the ball. If I had to apologise, I would. Penelope says I am not strict, but I know how to discipline the children without her. I just do not think this situation requires so much emotion.
The jury of Guardian readers
Spencer and the kids should really get permission – asking your neighbours if it is OK for the kids to hop over to get the ball would only take a moment, and the answer is unlikely to be no. Asking is just good manners. Tammy, 44
The worst thing that can happen is that the neighbours spot the kids and may give them and you a talking to. Everyone learns that way, and hopefully it will improve communication in the long term. So carry on, kids—just do not smash any windows! Charlie, 33
Penelope is right. Spencer should not encourage the children to jump over the fence into the neighbours' garden without permission. They either need to ask if the neighbours mind, or perhaps just get more balls. Sarah, 29
I think people should respect their neighbours' privacy and property, so Spencer is teaching his kids the wrong attitude. The family should apologise for misdirected balls, and maybe the couple will suggest hopping over next time, but it is up to them who they let into their garden. Kelly, 52
Spencer is definitely guilty. It is an important part of being a kid that you have to wait, bored, until the neighbour comes home and chucks the ball back over. Good luck with teenagers who have been taught other people's boundaries do not matter, Spencer. Alicia, 53
Now you be the judge
In our online poll, tell us: is the game up for Spencer? The poll closes on Wednesday 24 June at 9am BST.
Last week's results
We asked whether Charlene should share a digital calendar with her partner. 57% said yes—Charlene is guilty. 43% said no—Charlene is innocent.
