Parent's fear over grammar school entry without tutor
A parent of two children, aged eight and four, is concerned that their bright eight-year-old daughter may not fulfil her potential without a private tutor to help her gain entry to a grammar school. The parent, who works hard but cannot afford tutoring, notes that local state secondaries do not achieve good results, while many other parents pay for private tuition. The parent also reveals a personal history of undiagnosed dyslexia leading to underachievement at school, and worries about projecting their own educational baggage onto their children.
Psychotherapist's perspective on projecting past experiences
UKCP registered psychotherapist Sarah Kane suggests the parent may be trying to correct the imbalance they felt in their own childhood. Kane explains, “I imagine you felt alienation and shame when you were punished unfairly at school, perhaps even labelled as a disobedient or defiant child. That feels very unfair. But the big difference is that your children have you.” She advises separating the parent's own needs, fears, and wants from those of the children, which are often very different.
Maximising language and its effects
Kane points out that the parent uses “maximising language, such as ‘we will be stuck’; ‘not fulfilling potential’; ‘the rich will always outrun the poor’.” This can make situations seem futile and insurmountable. She recommends replacing “what if” statements with “what is” statements to reduce anxiety. For example, what is happening is that the child is bright and the parent enjoys helping her with learning. Kane also emphasises that school offers more than just education, including social skills, friendship, and play.
Avoiding labels and recreating unfair systems
Kane notes a theme of “imbalances and extremes” in the parent's letter, such as no support versus maximum support, and failure versus success. She warns against labelling one child as “bright” to avoid recreating the unfair system within the family. “You could be recreating the unfair system within your own family,” she says. The psychotherapist assures that the child, at age eight, will not feel the same anxiety as the parent, but may sense the parent's feelings and want to please them.
Real learning and development
Kane concludes that real learning and development involve failing, curiosity, and discovering who we are. While the world is unfair, the things most people want—love and acceptance for who they are—cannot be bought. The parent is encouraged to focus on supporting the child's natural development rather than projecting their own past struggles.
